You'd think the GOP would be more concerned at a big overinflated bag of Chinese-owned hot gas being shot down by Biden, since last time that happened they lost the White House.

Does anyone know what is up with UberEats orders? Last update from the app is that the balloon was on its way with my food several hours ago.

"Don't worry!" cried the RWEs. "This is how these cases are tried! They get the low-level people to turn evidence against people higher up in exchange for lighter jail sentences, and then you progress up the swamp ladder to the important people! WE HAVE YOU NOW!"

And then all the cases fell apart and the low-level people were acquitted.

<sad trombone noises>

But hey, at least we go to waste $7 million dollars for no good reason, that helped.

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What I loved the most about the Durham "investigations" was that after three years of the right wing extremists crowing that they were about to bring down the Deep State and throw the Clintons/Obama in jail and Biden out of office, the probe only resulted in a couple of minor charges against low-level, unimportant characters.

JUDGE: Does the defendant have any last words before sentencing?


ME: <grabbing the microphone> AND THE HATERS GONNA HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE

MY LAWYER: <sobbing whisper> please, why are you like this

Alcohol-free coffee? Well NOW I've seen everything!

As a listener note, we regret to inform you that the intern charged with keeping a record of All Things already Considered has lost his notebook, so we have to start again.

Therefore, coming up on today's show: aardvarks.

Get in loser… we’re gonna put on funny glasses and party hats and count down the last ten seconds of the Doomsday clock.

This looks like the flag of a country that has never experienced happiness.

"So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.”

“Anyway, start by heating the oven to 375 degrees. Whisk the 3 eggs with the vanilla and a pinch of salt…”

Beware of people who are always bragging about who they are.

A lion doesn't need to tell you it's a lion.

So if someone you know is bragging that they are a lion... they are most probably NOT a lion.

fi oyu cna reda sith, oyu wlli evha a mgrianei ni buota 15 numitse

Having a large vocabulary so you can find the exact word to precisely convey an intended sentiment is good. Like, really good. Extra good.

So good.

I am run, Ratatouille-style, by three raccoons in a trenchcoat who are just trying their absolute best, but have really never done this before.

It explains so much.

The algorithms have NEVER figured out that right after I listen to “I Just Don’t Think I’ll Ever Get Over You” by Colin Hay I have to listen to “Wichita Skyline” by Shawn Colvin, EVERY SINGLE TIME, and until they do I think we are safe from an AI taking over the world.

I truly, truly do not understand why anyone cares about the royal family or their intra-family squabbles.

There is no existing universe in which I could care less.

It's hard for me to get any media traction when Prince Harry releases a book on the VERY SAME DAY I release my latest scat haiku collection on the door of stall #2 in the bathroom of that iHop off Hwy 394.

Such bad timing. I really need to have "the talk" to my publicist (L'il Frankie, a racoon who lives in the dumpster behind the iHop).

Dude's getting fired.

"New Year," I pant, shoveling dirt as quietly and quickly as I can into the hole, "New Me."

@rebeccawatson Oh I love Birthday Boy Stab Man! He's my favorite Ninja Turtle.

"Think of how much smarter we will all be when we all have access to all the knowledge in the world through the internet!"

Yeah well I have access to practically every musician and genre in the world, but I still listen to the same three albums over and over.

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