Ray :verified: boosted

Have you a moment to hear about our lord and savior the lonesome loser?

A nightmare scenario would be if somebody started singing the second verse of Happy Birthday To You

@Bandersnaaatch Like Daniel Day Lewis in Last of the Mohicans, I vowed that “I will find you!” xoxo

Ray :verified: boosted

@Semishark So glad to see you! Let’s don’t be strangers!

Ray :verified: boosted

“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing my guesses will always be superior.

Ray :verified: boosted

*inquiring at the customer service desk*
Y’all sell the illusion of freedom?

[into walkie talkie] I’m leaving you, Janice. Over

Ray :verified: boosted

My special skill is forgetting which piece of popcorn fell on the floor after picking it up and designating it The Dirty Piece and eating it and then having to pull an entire cat out of my mouth

[during sex] did you close the garage door

I once asked a woman if the carpet matches the drapes and she said, "No, hardwood floors." And I've been thinking about that ever since

*drops your baby on the floor*
Oh my god, I’m so sorry…
*picks it up immediately and kisses the soft spot on its head*
Five second rule PHEW

Ray :verified: boosted

It is the year of our lordt two thousand twenty-two and nazis are bad. We literally went to war over it eighty-one years ago and I am so tired. This is the dumbest time and it gets a little dumber every day

A subscription-based online platform for sharing pics and vids of delicious caramel custard desserts called OnlyFlans

Like the men of my family have done for generations, I will be spending this holiday season hunting for top brand name fashion at bargain basement prices

Random thought that just entered my brain: Dolly Parton is a global treasure and I honestly hope she outlives me because I don’t want to live in a world that exists without her in it

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