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I came here to kick ass and chew bubble gum and I am fresh out of razor blades and deodorant. I sincerely apologize for my appearance

If you ask a Nazi if he's a Nazi he has to tell you or it's Vontrappment

Ray :verified: boosted

Being a chef? Well, it’s a hard life, but truly rewarding. It’s about your palate. It’s about science. It’s about technique. But most importantly? It’s about love.

—me after putting cocoa nibs in a salad I have to bring to a friend’s.

As of today, if you were to lay every Mastodon user end-to-end around the earth, millions of them would drown

Ray :verified: boosted

Ask me about my life goals, and you'll get to see me enter into my defense mode where I rear up on my hind legs and assume my full height.

[first day in prison chow line]
Are there any raisins in this

Ray :verified: boosted
Ray :verified: boosted

Me: I got an amazing idea—an advent calendar but with sausages
Guy: Just substituting sausages for chocolate?
Me: No, all of it is sausages
Guy: All of it?
Me: And I am sausages
Guy: You are?
Sausages: And you are sausages
Also Sausages: Oh my god
Sausages: Oh my god

Ray :verified: boosted

I wash my face the old fashioned way.
I go down to the river and beat it against a rock

Ray :verified: boosted

"ooh, big stretch!" i say as my cat makes incorrect inferences

Ray :verified: boosted

Looking for a scarf so big I can scale down a wall with it, in light blue.

Being in a relationship is basically just saying “I don’t know, what do you wanna do?” to each other, until one of you dies

Ray :verified: boosted

operators are standing by. they are standing. by. standing right by you. you are surrounded by operators.

Ray :verified: boosted

waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?

me: no no I’ll find it thanks

Ray :verified: boosted

me: sorry we’re late

st peter: what happened

grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic

Ray :verified: boosted

hey sorry just saw your text from last week is your grandma still dead?

I stand barefoot, in relaxed contrapposto, wearing mid-thigh length bicycle tights and a t-shirt, casually watering a patch of dry lawn with a garden hose. In a bedroom, at a window overlooking this tranquil scene, my neighbor’s wife sighs deeply and begins to tremble

[arriving on first day in prison]
Are you dog friendly

Ray :verified: boosted

[slipping the Staples guy a crisp 1 dollar bill] Give me some of the good paper, you know, from tall trees that have given shade to lovers

Ray :verified: boosted

SPEECH THERAPIST: okay let’s start with the alphabet

SCOOBY DOO: ray ree ree ree ree ref ree

SPEECH THERAPIST: *into intercom* cancel all my appointments

Ray :verified: boosted

I love reading about the lives of 19th and 20th century writers because it always goes something like "he lived in abject poverty, barely covering the upkeep on his 3-bedroom townhouse in the city by selling two magazine stories per year"

I reliably sell a couple of comedy articles per month and they pay for just enough diet Dr. Pepper to help me write more comedy articles.

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