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Me: Hey I have a problem I wanted to-
my boss: dont call it a problem, Call it a solution waiting to be found.
Me: Ok. my depression is becoming a big solution waiting to be found

Politics 

Liberals are why I have trust issues. One minute we're mocking our landlord, the next they're saying Uber is the best innovation of capitalism and the big bang theory is good.

The Beatles name is clever combination of the boys two favourite things: beetles and beating off.

Call me a sissy I am not bothered
Call me a cissy now I'm pissed

Who the fuck is Dr Phil and can he help with my haemorrhoids?

Ella :blobsweats: boosted

i can't wait for the n-word tape to come out cuz it'll confirm my suspicions: donald trump is our first gamer president

Might play some video games this weekend so apologies if I become a racist

Why do I not have wide child bearing hips? Because I hate children of course

Wish I hadn't taught my grandma to use mastodon now she keeps tooting about how she misses grandpop's "massive schlong"

We all agree talking about your emotions is good. But when the emotion is horny and I'm on main people start freaking out

Just finding out that what I call "the fun dungeon" most people call a "cellar" or "basement", weird

Messsge to everyone who said I would never amount to anything: you were correct

If I ever describe something as "dank" then take it as a sign that I am being forced to toot against my will

Animals that don't really exist:
Unicorn
Platypus
Birds

Wish I could go back in time to the wild West and die of dysentery

Trying to find a religion where I can get to heaven while still wanting to fuck Garfield

My work doesn't check mastodon so unlike on birdsite I won't be fired for saying butts here

*writing my CV*
Writes "Hobbies: Watching anime"
Me: no they'll think I'm an idiot
*Crosses out*
Writes "Hobbies: Reading manga"

Deciding to learn a talent but changing my mind upon finding it takes both time and effort.

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