I've made the joke about Harrison Ford having a new intelligent dog friend three different times with completely different groups of friends and everyone reacted with lukewarm chuckles. I guess what I'm saying is: there's a conspiracy out there to ruin my good joke!

The only consipracy theory I care about is this: no one has ever watched or cared about The Masked Singer. Those audiences are all holograms.

Can't stop thinking about the poor costume people working on the extremely shitty white merkin Henry Cavill will inevitably wear in Witcher season 2.

Just watched Detective Pikachu, and I'm pretty sure the message of the movie is: don't watch Detective Pikachu because it sucks shit.

I've heard a lot of people compare The Witcher to Game of Thrones but now, having just finished the first season on Netflix, I can say 💯 that the actual best description is "What if Doctor Who was a medieval Knight and an absolute fuckboy?"

If this description doesn't make you want to watch the show, you're a bot and I'm sorry to break it to you like this.

I've heard a lot of people compare The Witcher to Game of Thrones but now, having just finished the first season on Netflix, I can say 💯 that the actual best description is "What if Doctor Who was a medieval Knight and an absolute fuckboy?"

When I was a child, I liked shit like a dumbass child. Now that I'm an adult I'm like "Fuck that shit!"

Visiting the largest Tiffany stained glass object in the world today, nbd.

Made a unicorn birthday cake for a 94 year old woman today, how's your new year going?

Happy New year's from me and my new bride, you party animals!

Merry Christmas you wonderful old Savings and Loans!

I forgot that Mrs. Claus has a full on psychedelic freakout in the middle of Santa Claus is Coming to Town. The seventies were a hell of a drug...

"Face unafraid the plans that we made" is the ultimate weird flex.

This is what my friends decided about me at tonight's game night. I do like nuts!

This Christmas, set up your nativity scene with Jesus, Mary and Joseph celebrating Hanukkah to make those "war on Christmas" fucks' heads explode.

Taco Bell has flautas now, but they are calling them rolled chicken tacos because white people are easily terrified.

Dear Santa,

If anyone sends you their "grown-up Christmas list", they are probably trying to trick you into sex stuff. What you should give them is the courage to embrace their kink.

Hey listen, if you give a mouse a cookie, you're the one who fucked up, don't blame the mouse for your failures.

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