"Maybe this quarantine will be just what I need to get my life together."

-75% of people right now

Look, I'm not saying that I *deserve* adulation, I'm just saying that I want it anyway.

All I keep thinking is that there's gonna be a *lot* of regrettable beards by the time this is all over with.

Twitter dot com now directs you to their suggested follows page instead of your own timeline. You need to go to Twitter dot com slash home for your timeline. This is the worst thing happening in the world right now, I'm pretty sure.

John Wick is a prequel to Cowboy Bebop prove me wrong.

Putting a cauldron full of gold coins under my pillow tonight hoping that St Patrick comes and turns me into a werewolf. Fingers crossed!

Huey Lewis: What's a relatable problem for drug addicts? Oh, of course - having so many drugs that they keep spilling them all the time! That's gold!

Oh baby when you talk like that
You make the women go mad
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh
Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn

In this trying time I'd like to reaffirm my commitment to only ever posting unimportant bullshit jokes I think of in the shower. Thank you and may god bless.

New unraveled inspired me to make a new deep thought gif because it's very good.

Quarantines are antisocial and awkward, but once we get into our quarantwenties we'll really start to figure ourselves out.

You think this is bad, wait for the CORVEGO and CORVSUPEREGO!

OUT like a lamb, March, OUT like a lamb damnit!

American Politics 

I've made the joke about Harrison Ford having a new intelligent dog friend three different times with completely different groups of friends and everyone reacted with lukewarm chuckles. I guess what I'm saying is: there's a conspiracy out there to ruin my good joke!

The only consipracy theory I care about is this: no one has ever watched or cared about The Masked Singer. Those audiences are all holograms.

Can't stop thinking about the poor costume people working on the extremely shitty white merkin Henry Cavill will inevitably wear in Witcher season 2.

Just watched Detective Pikachu, and I'm pretty sure the message of the movie is: don't watch Detective Pikachu because it sucks shit.

I've heard a lot of people compare The Witcher to Game of Thrones but now, having just finished the first season on Netflix, I can say 💯 that the actual best description is "What if Doctor Who was a medieval Knight and an absolute fuckboy?"

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