The Ten Com-Matt-ments @mattherron@mastodon.cloud

But what if I dont want to blaze it?!? #420

B: Am I original?
Me: Y..eah
B: Am I the only one?
Me: Yeah.
B: Am I sexual?
Me:.... I don't think this is what I thought it was.
B: Am I everything you need?
Me: [standing up] Uh... I'll be right back, I've gotta rock my body right, if you know what I mean.

Weird how patreon. otifies you when someone you support starts supporting someone else, as if to say "Hey, that person you chose to give money to is instead giving your money directly to this dipshit"

I believe in ghosts.

Well, not exactly, but when you accidentally get tea down the wrong pipe and then all night whenever you clear your throat you get a hint of tea flavor. That's about as close to hauntings as anyone could reasonably believe, right?

I guess I'd classify my sense of humor as "Constantly trying to engineer situations to use my torturously crafted one-liners"

Case in point, I just wrote "I'm not drunk, I'm just big boned" into a notepad on my phone, with the note "next time I'm drunk, say this"

Bold suggestion for the 2020 Democratic Presidential Campaign slogan: Make America Great Again.

Printed on red hats.

Because fuck Donald Trump forever.

Guys, what do you call it when something is both an obvious crime against humanity and also somehow pretty fucking good?

Hottest Take: Deadpool is just a gritty reboot of The Mask.

My version of self care is sliding into my own DMs and sending nudes of myself.

I'm at sports!

Constantly have to remind myself that hating something and hating every single person who likes that thing are two different feelings.

@mattherron The rest of the movie feels like one of those "I made an AI watch every Tim Burton movie and write a new script" memes from last year. The fact that someone was paid *money* to write this film is baffling.

The only good part about the new Dumbo movie is Michael Keaton chewing scenery as the villain. At one point he earnestly says "You've made my dream come true, you magnificent one-armed cowboy." It's truly fantastic.

I am not trans, but many of my friends whom I love are. I am very aware of the fact that as a cis white male, I often fuck up at being sensitive to the struggles of others, so all I can do is state plainly: if you are trans, you can always rely on me for support and safety, and if you tell me I'm not being a good ally, you can trust that I'll always try to be better. #alwaysgrowing

People compare Elizabeth Warren to Lisa Simpson in a way that seems to imply that Lisa Simpson *wouldn't* be the greatest president this country had ever seen, and I am afraid I don't understand.

The greatest t-shirt would probably say "I got a novelty t-shirt maker as a gift and I hate it." Second best would be "Pussy Magnate".

Alright, alright, we all get it. You're all very clever with you tricks and your pranks, but you boys better cut it out with that Capitalism before someone gets hurt!

::Reads past 1000 years of newspapers::

Oh god n

Universal praise is as meaningless as universal derision, so please try to come up with some specific compliments for my mix tape, Darren!