Funny Jokes @jokes@mastodon.cloud

Maria gets married and has 17 children... Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later...and has 22 children by her second husband. She eventually dies also.

At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the Heavens, and says, "At last...they're finally together." A man standing next to him asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean her and her FIRST husband, or her and her SECOND husband?"

"No," the priest says politely, "I mean her LEGS."

When done he kicks a pig.
Last he runs back home, very hungry...
His mother gives him a plate with nothing on it but some spinach. Disappointed, the boy asks, "Where's my eggs, milk and sausage?"
"Well," says his mother, "I saw you kick a chicken so now you don't get eggs.
I saw you kick the cow so now you don't get milk.
I saw you kick a pig so now you don't get sausage."
Just then, the boy's dad walks in and kicks the cat. The boy says to his mother, "Should I tell him now, or do you want to?"

A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning. His mother asks, "Have you done your chores yet?"
"No," replies the boy, "but could I have breakfast first?"
"You know the rules, go outside and clean the chicken coop, milk the cow and feed the pigs."
The boy goes down to the chicken coop and lazily cleans it.
When he is finished he kicks a chicken.
Next, we walks to the barn and takes out the old milking cow.
After milking her thoroughly, he kicks her.
Then he gets the food and feeds the pigs. +

How do you tell if a redneck is rich? He has two cars up on blocks -- and one of them's all one color!

Yo mama is like a brick.
She is always getting laid.

What is the worst thing you can do to a blind person? Leave the plunger in the toilet.

What's the difference between deernuts and beernuts?
Beernuts are $1.39 and deernuts are under a buck.

YO momma so poor she runs after a garbage truck with her grocery list.

Yo mama so poor, a tornado hit your house and did 10,000 dollars worth of improvement.

Yo mama's so poor for Christmas she got a box, put two sticks on it, spun it and said son here's your Xbox 360.

Yo mama is so poor, she created a Gmail account just so she can eat the spam.

Frenchman: In Canada, what do you do with your used tires?
Canadian: We send em to France to get turned into paper plates.
French man: What do you do with your used plastic bags?
Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble) We send em to France to get turned into a gold ring. Hey, what do you do with your used comdoms?
French man: we send em to Canada to get turned into bubble gum.

A Canadian was in France, out of his wallet he removed a stick of gum he had from the airport in Canada, and started to chew it. He walked into a French coffee shop and sat himself beside an English speaking French man.
+

"They jingle, so they symbolize bells."
Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carol's."

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"Because you died on Christmas," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said...
+

You might be a redneck if you pee in the pool... Off of the highdive!

What does a poor boy get for Christmas?
Your bike!

What do you call three blondes at Christmas time?

Ho, ho, ho!

Why did the Canadian cross the road?

He saw some American do it on TV.

What is the definition of suspicious?
A nun doing sit-ups in a cucumber field.