Funny Jokes @jokes@mastodon.cloud

You know you're a redneck if you think a seven-course meal is KFC and a sixpack.

Yo' mama so fat, she has an echo in her belly button!

On the way home the chant was now “ eight, eight, eight”.
The next morning as he passed the asylum the chant had changed again, “Ten, ten, ten” they called.
Staring at the fence as he passed he noticed a small knothole in the fence. His curiosity getting the better of him, he put his eye to the hole. Immediately a finger poked him in the eye, and recoiling in pain on to the ground he heard the chant change again
“Eleven! Eleven! Eleven!”

A man moved in to a new apartment, and he was excited because he now lived very close to his job and would no longer have to endure the horrendous traffic to and from work. While plotting his walk in the morning he noted that his path took him by a mental institution. Thoroughly enjoying his morning stroll , he heard some voices drifting over a tall wood fence that covered the block.
“ six, six, six, six “ the voices chanted.
“The asylum” he remembered, and put it out of his mind.

A rumour spread in the neighbourhood about the "stink house". After some time he finally received an offer, way below the property value. It turned out his ex-wife had missed her old home and wanted to repurchase it. She even offered to help him move out. "If she's that stupid, I might as well sell it to her", he thought. As she carried out the curtain poles to his moving van, the last thing she said to him was "I really hope you'll be happy in your new apartment".

The man desperately searched for the source, thinking it might be a dead rat or something, but he couldn't pinpoint it. The strange smell of rotting seafood seemed to come from everywhere. He cleaned every inch of the house except the curtain poles. Unable to rid the house of the nasty stench he finally gave up and advertised the house for sale. Of course nobody wanted to buy it.

The very last thing she did before leaving was to stuff the leftover prawns into all the curtain poles in every room.

After the weekend, her ex came back bringing his new girlfriend to live with him. They soon started to notice an unpleasant stench, mild at first, then more and more pungent as the days passed. His new girlfriend was not happy and demanded he solve the problem, or else she'd leave.

Thinking she had no other option, she accepted his offer, but on the condition that she could have one last party with her friends before she moved out. He agreed, but announced that he would be going away for the weekend. As long as she cleaned up the whole house before leaving, he was fine with her last request.

The following Saturday night she invited a few friends over for garlic roasted king prawns and white wine. As the last guest left, she tidied up and cleaned the house.

A woman came home from work one day, and her husband of fifteen years had a rather dramatic message for her: he wanted a divorce.

Understandably, she was quite devastated by the news, and to make matters worse he demanded she move out of their home before the end of the month. He offered her half of what the property was worth.

“I hear someone coming, let's go in my apartment.
When they get in to her apartment, she lets her robe fall to the ground and asks the man, “Which part of my body do you like the best?” The guy replies, “Your ears.”
So she gets mad and asks, “Why my ears!? Look at this body! It's perfect! Look at these breasts -- they're real and they're mine! Look at this butt -- it's hard and firm! So why my ears?” The guy says, “Well, because the person you heard coming was me!”

A man moved into a new apartment, and he decided to go and check his mail. The next thing he knows, a beautiful woman is standing in front of him and she has a robe on and she opens it and the man notices she has nothing on underneath. He tries to keep eye contact with the girl while she is talking to him. All of a sudden she says...

Yo mama is so fat that when God said, “Let there be light,” he said, “Move!

You stink so bad you make Right Guard turn left, Speed Stick slow down, Secret obvious, and Sure confused.

Yo mama is so ugly, that when she worked at the bakery they dipped her face in the batter to make animal cookies.

Your mama is so nasty, when you said, "Mama, what are we going to have for dinner?" She stuck out her foot and said, "CORNS".

Q: How does a blonde try to kill a worm?
A: Bury it alive!

@rooktallon Most of these are text-based, though, so you can understand them.

What do a lawyer and a hooker have in common?
They both get paid to screw people.

How do you satisfy ALL Millions of Beliebers at once? Put Justin Bieber in a mincer and give each one a tiny piece as a souvenir.

You might be a redneck if you believe books are bad luck!