One day Pinocchio came to Gepetto with a problem.
"Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters. What can I do about this?"
"Have you tried sandpaper?" Pinocchio hadn't, so he went to try it.
"Pinocchio," said Gepetto a few weeks later. "How is the problem work out with your--"
"Girlfriend?" said Pinocchio. "Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?"

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.

Heard about the blonde psychology major working her way through college as a prostitute?
For fifty bucks, she'll screw with your mind!

Taliban, war 

How do you play Taliban Bingo?
B-52, F-15, B-1...

Two blondes are walking down the street when one looks down and finds a mirror.
She picks it up, looks at it and says, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"
So the first Blonde hands her the mirror.
She looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"


Its bad enough I'm bulimic, but today, after vomiting up my alphabet soup...
I discovered I'm also dyslexic!

Drinking, Sex, Drugs 

Satan unlocks the third door to find the third man still sitting cross-legged with bloodshot eyes. And the enormous joint still sitting right in front of him. The man wipes the tears from his face, looks at Satan and sobs out, "Hey man, got a light?"

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Drinking, Sex, Drugs 

the second man drags himself outside with his arms because nothing below his waist is working anymore. He's hollow-eyed, emaciated, and covered in scratches and claw marks. "As God is my witness, I'm never even going to LOOK at a woman again!" Satan replies "Very well, you're repented of your sin so you get a second shot at life."

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Drinking, Sex, Drugs 

Satan says, "I'll be back for you in a hundred years." as he locks the door.

100 years pass and Satan unlocks the first door. The first man comes crawling out, covered in a hundred years worth of vomit, excrement, and piss. Dry heaving, he looks up at Satan and says "I swear to God, I will NEVER drink again!" Satan nods and says "You've repented of your sin so I'm going to give you a second chance at life."

Satan unlocks the second door and... +

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Drinking, Sex, Drugs 

"Hell yeah!" the second man exclaims as he runs in. Satan locks the door behind him as well.

"What was your favorite sin in life?" Satan says to the third man. "Man, definitely the drugs. I was high all the time," replies the third man. Satan leads him to a room and opens the door to reveal a fat joint the size of a telephone pole lying in the middle of the room. "Alright!" the man says as he walks in and sits down cross-legged in front of the doobie with a grin on his face.

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Drinking, Sex, Drugs 

"What about you?" Satan asks the second man. "It was definitely lust for me. I shagged every woman I could in every way I could. I couldn't stay faithful to any of my wives." "Very well," Satan replies and opens a door to reveal acre upon acre of beautiful, horny women in every imaginable configuration; blondes, brunettes, redheads, Asian, African, fat, skinny, voluptuous, etc. "I'll be back for you in a hundred years."

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Drinking, sex, drugs 

Three men die and go to hell. Satan asks the first "What was your favorite sin in life?" He replies "It would have to be booze, I stayed drunk all the time." So Satan leads him to a door and opens it to reveal a giant room containing acres of every type of alcoholic drink imaginable; beers, whiskeys, rum, vodka, wine, etc. "Very well," Satan says. "You'll spend the next hundred years in here." "Hell yes!" the first man replies and jogs in as Satan locks the door behind him.


How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.


What kind of fish does a priest eat? Nun!

If a blonde could be any fish, what fish would she be? A blowfish.

Next morning Bob calls Tim and says, "How are you feeling?"

Tim says he's fine, never felt better.

Bob asks, "Do you have a hangover?" Tim says no.

Then Tim says, "Wow this is great! We can drink all we want and not get a hangover."

Then Bob says, "Well, there is one side effect, Tim. Have you farted yet?"

Tim says, "No, why?"

Bob says, "I'm calling you from Detroit!"

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Two airplane mechanics named Bob and Tim work at Atlanta airport. Atlanta gets fogged in one night and nothing can take off or land so Bob and Tim have nothing to do. After work Bob and Tim usually have a drink on their way home, so Bob says to Tim, "I heard that you can get a buzz off drinking jet fuel." Since they have nothing better to do, they try it. Amazingly enough it goes down easy as water and they get plenty drunk.

Finally, their shift is over and they get to go home.

Johnny comes back from school crying and says, "Mommy all the kids in the school say I have a big head."
His mother replies, "No you don't Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head. The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings."

Q: What can a goose do, that a duck can't do and a lawyer should do?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.

Yo' mama so hairy, she was walking down the street and the dog pound picked her up!

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