Dear Apple, how the fuck do I patch my EOL-ed early iPad and iPod Touch that's still running iOS 5 and has no update path. And not just the iOS as the update for most of the apps now requires iOS >10.
I know the un-replaceable battery is pretty much dead. But it was the super-expensive, top of the range, maxed-out-spec version, when the defunct company bought it. And it still works fine.