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petition to make pissing voluntary. they can’t keep making us do this and we don’t have to if we don’t want to. end this fucking lie

went and did a gosh dang fuckin ambient music livestream today. put this on in the background while you do whatever

in retrospect, this was ill-advised and i am sorry about the consequences of my actions. in my defense, i was going through a breakup at the time

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banned from for successfully gathering enough petition signatures to change the u.s. navy's slogan to "surf's up"

once a year i visit the daycare i went to as a child and just walk around it calling it my "alma mater" and giving toddlers motivational speeches and everyone hates it

"out, out, brief candle!" - me trying to blow out a candle but getting pissed off

*threatening* what the fuck you lookin at huh. come here. i’ll eat you out bro

yoda and the grinch are both ancient cryptids who share a common ancestor that was separated geographically after Pangaea split apart and evolved into different species. this is the only thing i believe in

my 3 hour long stream-of-consciousness Milk Bone dog treat unboxing video, despite containing a dozen "artfully deployed" uses of the n-word, has been described by critics as "a meditation on love, loss and redemption"

Nevada Rep. Scunt Gungo (R) calls the impeachment proceedings "the Daria of constitutional crises" and has thus far refused to clarify what he means by that

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they’ve been at this for so long they’re just putting fake people up there now. not a real name. get out of here

a. evoking the feeling of being John Madden
b. tending to drive one into a psychological state reminiscent of John Madden’s
See also: “John Madden Syndrome”

new idea for 2020: dad gum. gum for dads. dont like it move along. not my problem

deciding im going to let my ass be an outdoor ass. gonna get it microchipped

god creating the universe is widely understood to be the first known instance of “posting cringe”

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