coming to NBC this fall. CSI: Gumby Edition

*pow*

OH MY FUCKING GOD SOMEBODY SHOT FJUCKING GUMBY

moving all the celery in the grocery store into the gender section as a practical joke. i don't know what the gender section is or why it's there. i don't know who i am. i wake up in a cold sweat

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint

and I vote. yes, we do exist

10 years in to using twitter with 330k followers who hate me, absolutely miserable, posting stuff like "when it comes to dip, nothing beats spinach artichoke" and the top reply is just a photoshopped image of me in a casket

going ape mode on the drywall in my room after finding stick stickly's name in the epstein flight logs

americans: lol how does england still have a monarchy? cursed country

also americans: oh fuck the 200-year-old grandpipper who let us have rights just died :(

trying to not become deceased. sounds like it fucking sucks

i find myself struggling to come to grips with the oft-promised “no muss, no fuss” as i despise muss, yet have a strong fondness for fuss

it’s fucking cool that the republican national convention is no longer an event at a physical location now. it’s just a series of increasingly lumpy men who look like they get divorced every day standing shitheadedly in fields within some metaphysical, abstract purgatory space. that’s america

the Roanoke Colony disappeared without a trace, save for a cryptic clue: the word “cowabunga” etched in a tree, along with the Cool S

a gnat is basically just a very tiny speck that happens to be some guy. leave him alone

i am addicted to getting attacked and killed by various fauna

i'm the one pigshit stupid guy on quora who keeps asking questions every day like "does Dilbert have a genius level IQ?" i have to wear a leash outside the house

*Todd Howard levitating over the E3 stage, eyes pulsating white light* we’re updating rat textures in Fallout 76. games

i love being a 19-year-old reddit guy who comments “Fuck coronavirus” under a post that’s clearly just a stock photo of an elderly man in a hospital bed with the title “pray for my mimmy grampus please” and immediately getting 4k upvotes and gold

in a few years there will be another Berenstein/Berenstain Bears kind of dimensional shift except it’ll be us collectively realizing that Winnie the Pooh actually had a huge cock that was just flopping around down there the whole time

*black and white infomercial shows me struggling to construct a country using only the inherent inhumanity of late capitalism and the humanitarian needs of millions of people* there’s got to be a better way

*america enters frame, transition to full color and upbeat music* there isn’t!

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