pleased to see apple getting rid of itunes, instead arraying it's functions across separate apps. if there’s one thing we love about apps, it’s that we love to have them, and to have more of them is something to love a lot. apps – it’s in the game

one time at the lake i saw a 6-year-old losing in a fight with his sister over a pool noodle and he said to her, defeated, “you’re more powerful in water than you are in real life”

Joe Biden gracefully bowing out of the race within 24 hours after getting caught on hot mic calling a mummy a "sleeping bag bitch"

*getting introduced to someone and mishearing their name as Mazslow* hey man i love your hierarchy of needs

thinking of having somd thoughts and ideas later

*gravelly woody harrelson true detective voice, like i have 3 ice cubes in my mouth* yeah... that’s penis piss alright. piss from a dick. we’re dealing with a dick pisser

white middle-aged hedge fund manager with 500k twitter followers: white people love saying “im getting my steps in for the day” when they forget something in another room

me, 42 pornbot followers all named “Ass_Emily”: i just thought of a man named Pudless Douglas and began to sob uncontrollably

learning just enough about today's big news stories to get pissed off and then going out into the woods to pace back and forth like a gorilla to cool off

*incredibly genius billionaire silicon valley guy wearing a galaxy gear on both wrists and swiping them across his face as they repeatedly fail to scan his retinas* i “hacked” my marriage by getting a handjob from a grad student at Lollapolooza

guy who invented margarine trying toast for the first time: hmm not bad but mAKE IT WET

at exactly 5:30 PM EST i will be dissolving my ego and becoming a being of pure light live on twitch. i will be ending racism also. no link

this year's state of the union looks really fucking weird. not sure what they're going for

me writing a review of some mayan ruins on tripadvisor:

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
yep these things sure are fucking ruined alright

any video game: sneak past the guards without being detec—

me:

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