Pinned toot

tarot is rigged. they don't even let you bring your own deck to counter their attacks. how are you supposed to win

this photo of my sister’s wedding where i’m just walking around in the background for no discernible reason looks like found footage of a bigfoot sighting

just hung out with Stick Stickly for the first time in many years. bizarre vibes. guy’s changed a lot. guess he’s really pro-Israel now too for some reason? not sure what’s going on with him

once a year i visit the daycare i went to as a child and just walk around it calling it my "alma mater" and giving toddlers motivational speeches and everyone hates it

"out, out, brief candle!" - me trying to blow out a candle but getting pissed off

*threatening* what the fuck you lookin at huh. come here. i’ll eat you out bro

yoda and the grinch are both ancient cryptids who share a common ancestor that was separated geographically after Pangaea split apart and evolved into different species. this is the only thing i believe in

my 3 hour long stream-of-consciousness Milk Bone dog treat unboxing video, despite containing a dozen "artfully deployed" uses of the n-word, has been described by critics as "a meditation on love, loss and redemption"

Nevada Rep. Scunt Gungo (R) calls the impeachment proceedings "the Daria of constitutional crises" and has thus far refused to clarify what he means by that

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they’ve been at this for so long they’re just putting fake people up there now. not a real name. get out of here

maddening
ˈmad(ə)niNG/
adjective
a. evoking the feeling of being John Madden
b. tending to drive one into a psychological state reminiscent of John Madden’s
See also: “John Madden Syndrome”

new idea for 2020: dad gum. gum for dads. dont like it move along. not my problem

deciding im going to let my ass be an outdoor ass. gonna get it microchipped

god creating the universe is widely understood to be the first known instance of “posting cringe”

you: is Craig really Johnson or just a little bit Johnson?

me:

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