Pinned toot

tarot is rigged. they don't even let you bring your own deck to counter their attacks. how are you supposed to win

i love being named Jake Jakeson and being one of the 85 candidates in the democratic race whose sole defining career moment was introducing means testing for diaper changing stations in Pissfuck, Wyoming

rooting around in a complex cave system like a dumbfuck, searching for new diseases to get

when your two half-senile grandpas start sundowning and getting uppity with each other

Trump, barely able to stand straight, brain full of aquarium gravel: i could have had Beverly D'Angelo at the Vanity Fair luncheon in 1995 but she looked much older in person. not a gifted conversationalist either! anyway good luck with the shooting and thank you

alright hell yeah it's time to get horny hahah- *a jedi knight cuts me down with a lightsaber* horny is against the jedi code. yoda is the only one who's allowed to fuck

im a little fucker riding my nasty-ass tiny car into your town. lookin like a. little gremlin hunched over the wheel, my awful stink chariot making horrible burping noises. looking positibvely up to no fucking good

PORTMANTDOME: TWO WORDS ENTER, ONE WORD LEAVES

wounded and weakened on the field of battle, you beg me for mercy. you look at my gender knob and shudder to see it's still only at 50%. i begin turning it all the way to 100%, cackling maniacally as your life force is drained

tearing off the ground prong on all the plugs in my house to make some confusing political statement,, exclaiming loudly that "this shit is for the birds"

i love my job as a U.S. senator but sometimes i want to just pack my things, leave it all behind and become a U.S. representative

The Michelin man was once human like us. But he trusted the company too much

in an alternate timeline, President Gary Johnson is going fucking beast mode at a re-election campaign rally right now, in the middle of a rant about how there's nothing in the constitution that says you have to move over for ambulances. everyone else on earth is dead

me [stupid]: buh i wash my clothes in the sink

Neil DeGrasse Tyson [atheist, genius]: The character known as “The Noid” is a fictional creation that could not exist in our world

*watching the world get chopped up and consumed piecemeal by a dozen or so billionaires* capitalism sucks ass

*a single dollar bill suspended on a fishing line enters my field of vision* hmm however,

i HATE it when i experience what seems from my perspective like an entire lifetime but is actually nothing more than a hallucination triggered by the natural release of DMT in the moment of my death. its so fucking cringe lmao

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