*gravelly woody harrelson true detective voice, like i have 3 ice cubes in my mouth* yeah... that’s penis piss alright. piss from a dick. we’re dealing with a dick pisser

white middle-aged hedge fund manager with 500k twitter followers: white people love saying “im getting my steps in for the day” when they forget something in another room

me, 42 pornbot followers all named “Ass_Emily”: i just thought of a man named Pudless Douglas and began to sob uncontrollably

learning just enough about today's big news stories to get pissed off and then going out into the woods to pace back and forth like a gorilla to cool off

*incredibly genius billionaire silicon valley guy wearing a galaxy gear on both wrists and swiping them across his face as they repeatedly fail to scan his retinas* i “hacked” my marriage by getting a handjob from a grad student at Lollapolooza

guy who invented margarine trying toast for the first time: hmm not bad but mAKE IT WET

at exactly 5:30 PM EST i will be dissolving my ego and becoming a being of pure light live on twitch. i will be ending racism also. no link

this year's state of the union looks really fucking weird. not sure what they're going for

me writing a review of some mayan ruins on tripadvisor:

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
yep these things sure are fucking ruined alright

any video game: sneak past the guards without being detec—

me:

pressing a bunch of buttons on the computer today. might fuck around later and click my mouse too. new year, new me. 2k19 baby

a dystopian alt history tv show a la Man In the High Castle except the timeline diverges at me inventing something called the "Pussy Bib"

accidentally hearting a post made by a complete stranger who’s related to my crush then disabling my Instagram temporarily like im laying low after a bank heist gone awry

i love being the Tony Soprano analogue in some shitty prestige tv ripoff that ham-fists themes of moral ambiguity and saying shit like "this american dream is beginning to look more like... an american nightmare. im going to kick your ass also"

millennials just think they can have their ass and eat it too

Show more
mastodon.cloud

Generalistic and moderated instance.