i love being the Tony Soprano analogue in some shitty prestige tv ripoff that ham-fists themes of moral ambiguity and saying shit like "this american dream is beginning to look more like... an american nightmare. im going to kick your ass also"

millennials just think they can have their ass and eat it too

pleased to live in a world where every facet of daily life is controlled either directly or indirectly by some gremlin lich with Habsburg face named Thaddeus Crumperton who has always been 85 years old

adjusting my glasses and squinting at the screen as i gingerly hunt-and-peck type “the news” into google

face turning red while fuming at the obituary page in the newspaper, screaming about how it's the "laggiest kill log" i've ever seen

my dick and balls are two entirely separate entities. past attempts to combine the two, creating a so-called "one stop shop" have ended in abject misery for everyone involved

*unknowingly entering your subsconscious while you're in a years-long coma, my voice suddenly reaching you in what might be my last chance to send a message and pull you out of it* how about doritos cool ranch-flavored juul pods. juul ranch maybe. anyone?

it’s 3:05am. you wake up to a Presidential Alert message containing only this selfie. in the distance, the sound of F-35 jets scrambling

AMERICANS: the way most foreign governments function is archaic and needlessly complicated
ALSO AMERICANS: the guy who’s going to help shape constitutional law for a generation just spent 3 hours on national tv talking about how much he loves beer while sobbing in front of 80 senior citizen psychopaths and it’s very normal

they just pushed some new updates for my ass this morning. mostly security fixes but some aesthetic improvements as well. check it out when you get a chance

stop saying it's "immersive" for all the waiters at Olive Garden of Eden to be nude and always frantically searching for a tiny leaf to put over their dicks. it's been 2 hours and no one has taken my order

JUDGE: Ms. Daniels, you said Trump "nutted like a leaky bag of icy cubes" and he made a sound "like one of the Elites from Halo 1 getting blown up by a plasma grenade" upon climax. do you stand by these claims?

Elon Musk involved in another dust-up with the announcement of his latest venture described only as "Uber, but for incest"

“heh. this generation in a freakin nutshell,” i declare suddenly after 15 minutes of silence. im not even looking at anything. no one knows what im talking about. im a horrible dumbass

boost to remind Kavanaugh that Alien v Predator is settled law

the funniest thing to happen in 2018 is a bunch of diuretic-riddled 60-year-old guys who get winded getting up off the toilet too fast pretending to boycott an athletic sportswear brand. im in heaven and hell at the same time

boomers love making fun of lyrics in today's music even though the #1 song when they were born was about going to the drive-in and buying your girl a root beer float or some shit

neutral breast milk hotel. have we done this one yet. is this new. j esus christ please just let me have this

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