Pinned toot

tarot is rigged. they don't even let you bring your own deck to counter their attacks. how are you supposed to win

i have never once made a "post" online and never will. thank you

friendly reminder: embezzling $3 million from a Fortune 500 company and using it to buy a fleet of decommissioned aircraft carriers for unknown but nefarious purposes is self-care 😊

rarely you will stumble across a single Stooge separated from his assigned pack of 3. these “lone wolf” Stooges are undomesticated and completely feral, roaming the desert and living off mice

if you think about it, capitalism is like monsters inc. people are paid to teleport into your closet and make you scream. if you misbehave you get teleported into a snow world with a yeti. theres a lizard

Buzzfeed’s Top 3 Reasons to Break Up With Your SO for 2020:

#3: they keep logging into your Facebook and changing your name to wizard names like “Hibiscus Thronestone”

#2: they refuse to talk about anything other than their new get-quick-rich scheme they call “lower case numbers”

#1: they immediately enter t-pose when horny

a reality tv game show that takes place in the cosmic void that predates life where the winner gets to be born

you, dreadful normie: oatmeal is a type of soup. fight me

me: I believe that a group of a dozen or so children raised in captivity and forced to watch CollegeHumor videos circa 2007-2012 would all independently invent the concept of hell, absent any exposure to scripture

a vision board but the only thing on it is the kool aid man with human skin

- Continuity error: When the camera cuts away and then cuts back to Harry, Hedwig, his pet owl, has clearly been replaced by an Mk 153 Shoulder-Launched Multipurpose Assault Weapon, or SMAW. Rookie mistake.

- The title of the fifth installment of the series is not “Harry Potter and the Enchanted Diaper”

IMDb's Top 5 Harry Potter Goofs:

- In the sixth movie, characters refer to Harry as “Keith Bungo” on multiple occasions with no explanation

- In the dream sequence, Hagrid’s explanation of sexual intercourse is wildly inaccurate. He’s clearly thinking of vore.

- The death spell is “Avada Kedavra” not “sis youre cancelled”

imagine being presented with the blue pill or the red pill and then the guy says “please don’t choose the one that makes you be in The Matrix. we barely made rent this month for the building. the building that The Matrix is in. i’ve been living in my car for 6 months”

one time i had a dream that the matrix version of reality i was living in had to be shut down because the guys running it just ran out of money

@chud_pudsley like maybe 20 years is the cutoff, at which point god descends wielding a flaming scepter saying “absolutely fucking not” and rends the earth into a trillion disparate atoms

wondering how many years it would take society to break down completely if we all just decided to stop wiping our asses. there’s got to be a specific number and i hope we find out what it is some day

in honor of 9/11 i will be performing a historical re-enactment by selling arms to Mujahideen in Afghanistan for a quarter century, unwittingly helping to plant the seeds of radical sectarian violence. check it out on my twitch

everyone else on Facebook:
Thrilled to be closing on our forever home this week! Making some buffalo chicken dip in the crockpot to celebrate while I watch the hubby mow the lawn. Feeling blessed right now ❤️
112 Likes, 30 Comments

me:
my big butt stinks and,, my dick fell off
1 Like, 0 Comments

all that money and Jeff Bezos can't even keep his rain forest from burning down. fuck that guy

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