chris boosted

Me during sex: hurt me

You all: no, that's twitter mentality

Me: what?

You: you don't need a meme format to talk about your insecurities here

a good tinder bio in italy is 'please toucha my spaghett'

FOLKS YOU'VE BEEN GREAT,,, I'LL BE HERE ALL WEEK

chris boosted

me: my computers slow. are computrers slow

everyone: yes computers slow

me: thanks

chris boosted

Sure, I'm verified... 

V ocally
E ating
R oasted
I nsects and
F ucking
I ntensely
E ven while
D ead inside

chris boosted
chris boosted

it’s been 8 weeks since my vasectomy and i need to give them a sample to make sure it worked. this is the first time in my life i’ve had to remind myself to do this

Playing beer pong by yourself is self care

sweat is actually just your skin nutting

chris boosted

Leftists are like crows:

a) inteligint
b) they will fight you for food
c) surprisingly numerous
d) dark plumage
e) possibly their own worst enemies? [see f]
f) culture impossible to decipher for outsiders and possibly insiders
g) can be a nuisance in dense urban areas

chris boosted
chris boosted

[bangs on the glass outside a business meeting]
boss: what is it
me: toot
boss: what
me: toot
boss: is he saying toot? what is that
me: toot

chris boosted
chris boosted

love to log on. to have fun. online. with my pals. online. hell yeah. online.

chris boosted

When you’re tooting and your text leaves you with 420 characters left 😎🌬💨🌳🌳

chris boosted

i had a dream that fortnite streamer ninja played me American Boy by Estelle, and used that to illustrate why he chooses not to stream with women. He was like "listen to the sexual tension between kanye and estelle.. thats what happens when artists collaborate. I must be faithful to my wife."

Yeah sex is cool but have ever avoided any and at social interaction for an entire day to watch preseason football

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