For every three ice cubes I get out of the tray successfully, one must fall on the floor. That's just science.

We've reached Phase 3 of NYS Reopening: badminton

Seems like a revolutionary gesture, but this actually makes my Twitter experience a lot more chill.

Of all the bots on Twitter, there really needs to be a least one that automatically replies to any tweet with an instance of the word "karma" with: "Tʜᴀᴛ's ɴᴏᴛ ʜᴏᴡ ᴋᴀʀᴍᴀ ᴡᴏʀᴋs."

Awwww, what's the matter? Did you run out of firewOh you didn't you had some more I see

Man, I can't believe I didn't have Ken Bone blocked. I am really asleep at the switch over here!

At this point, it's less, "we're all in this together" and more

I'll admit this isn't the first time someone has suggested this to me, but this is the first time I've had it recommended by an algorithm.

Every phone call I have received since 2003 has sounded like the caller is speaking through a towel.

Look, people sometimes say the NYPD and its various external fraternities are gangsters. But, come on. Is claiming to make budget cuts while shifting those expenses to the Department of Education something a gangster would do?

[sound of someone mercilessly working a speed bag in the garage next door]

Huh, and here I thought Donald Trump's "Twitch account" was just what he called his coke dealer [tie adjust] folks I tell ya

About once a month I think about Bruce Campbell's very good Stephen Colbert impression.

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