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Speed walkers look like they're constantly auditioning for a diarrhea commercial.

For my birthday, the love of my life gave me the best gift in the entire world, the promise of his hand.
(Yes. Yes, I did just make a marriage/amputee joke in my engagement announcement. What?)
I love you so much @jamiegray

My friend was fired by Pepsi. He tested positive for Coke.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

One day you will die, but every other day you won't.
So that's pretty great, right?

Inspirational posts are hard.

But do you ever stop and wonder....what did your dog name YOU?

I tried to form a gang once, but it turned into a book club.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?
It wasn't.
Because numbers aren't sentient, and can't feel fear.

If you are wanting some extra cash, and are great a Trivia, download HQ Trivia from the Apple App store, or Google Play store. Use the code NaveenAlexandra when you sign up. Tonight's prize is $10,000 USD and the game starts at 9 p.m. ET
So, what are you waiting for?

Selling all of my cryptokitties. My doggy died, and my family has the sads. I don't have the time to breed them.

I tried exercise but I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.

Side note: Being "educated" does not necessarily mean "intelligent".

I appreciate the transparency Domino's pizza tracker provides, but updates like "Carl dropped your pizza" & "5 second rule" are a bit much.

How do you tell if you've lost an argument on Facebook?
Well, first you're in an argument on Facebook.

Saw a hitchhiker holding a sign saying, "โ€˜Anywhere But Here". So I swerved and hit him. Now he's in a ditch. Hope that's okay.... he wasn't really specific.

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