You are not designed for everyone to like you.
You are not pizza.
Bar waitress: "ANYONE KNOW CPR?!"...
Me: "Hell, I know the entire alphabet!"...
Then everyone laughed & laughed. Well, except that one guy.
My idea of the perfect cup of coffee is a cup of coffee so strong it doesn’t just pick me up, it reenacts the lift scene from Dirty Dancing.
Banana peel, coffee grounds, pizza crust, beer bottles, empty tins, paper plates, sales papers.
Don't mind me I'm just talking trash.
Sorry I made fun of your erectile dysfunction. I hope there’s no hard feelings.
I can't remember how to write 51, 6, and 500 in Roman numerals.
I am LIVID.
If a book or movie hits you with a deluge of classic images and cliches, is that a tropeical storm?
I received a phone call from my prosthetist.
I can go pick her up Monday morning!!!
Halloween, that magical time of year when I can buy 10 pound bags of candy and no one thinks it's "a huge red flag."
Literally just unfriended a nurse that I knew because she said an anti vaccination movie made good points, and that trusting vaccines was the same as trusting the drug companies that put out the opioids, and "we know what a crisis that is."
I just clicked unfriend.
Who has the time or energy for that shit?
“He had gotten in through the cat flap and had eaten all the cat food before going for a sleep on the cat bed.
Wal-Mart needs to change their slogan to "what can never be unseen."