10.31–Halloween
11.1–Day of the Dead
11.4–set your clocks back
11.6–take your country back

Nothing embarrasses psychics more than throwing them a surprise birthday party.

I hate people that say " He's a nice person once you get to know him." They might as well just say "He's an asshole, but you'll get used to it."

I'm sorry if I come across as crude, outspoken, and opinionated. That's only because I am crude, outspoken, and opinionated.

Curling irons have a warning tag that says "For External Use Only."
Which of you sick mofos made that necessary?

The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.

Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.

If I ever sound inspirational, please read my post again. There was probably a sarcastic comment you misread in there somewhere.

My friend just ordered himself an Eastern European bride online. HE'S SO EXCITED and he just received confirmation... his Czech is in the mail!

Pretty soon you'll be able to get married online, instead of saying "I do" you will have to click "I agree to these terms and conditions."

I'm surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn't incorporated into more American holidays.

You'd be amazed how often I'm wrong when people say guess what.

What's the point of blurring out the middle finger on TV, like oh you've fooled me, what's behind that blur? Is it a monkey? A pencil?

Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.

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