Me: Life is a mystery, everyone must stand alone. I hear you call my name and it feels like home.
Priest: I don't believe that is an actual prayer...
Me: No, but it's like a prayer.
Why do people say ”I saw it with my own eyes.” Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
I just bought my son's water shoes for his upcoming 5 day school trip with the money I made answering surveys. I love buying things with money I get for answering stupid bullshit questions like 'Do you like this commercial?' Seriously.
You can do it too.
Here's my referral code:
OMG. I found a survey site that pays you to do stupid simple surveys guys.
I've made an extra $75 in the past 3 days!!
If you go sign up, when you send your first payment to PayPal, you'll get a bonus .50 and I'll get a bonus .50!
So go do it! Make some extra $$$$$$
Oh, and #BOOST the fuck out of this post, because damn we could all use some extra $$$$$ amirite?
SPOILER ALERT: Rice cakes do not contain any actual cake.
Before McDonald's, I bet "don't buy cheeseburgers from a clown" was a pretty hard and fast rule.
Eat like no one is watching.
The ONLY viable marketing response to "Doritos, For Her" is for their competitor to make "Pringles, For Him," which are normal Pringles with an attachment to turn the can into a fleshlight. :-P
I'm really surprised I haven't seen anybody talking about what concert the sportsball players will be playing at this weekend.
I'd hate to be all, but there would be 6 weeks of winter no matter what, BUT today is the literal halfway point of winter, which is 3 months long, or 12 weeks. So, no matter what that little furry fuck sees, today is the literal halfway point. There are literally 6 more weeks of winter from this point until spring. #GroundhogDay
When I was growing up I never knew what I wanted to be. Now that I'm older, I know that I want to be younger.
Speed walkers look like they're constantly auditioning for a diarrhea commercial.
/Me does a birthday dance
My friend was fired by Pepsi. He tested positive for Coke.
I’m pRetty but the R is silent. 💋
My birthday is in 3 days.
It's the wheel of (near) misfortune!
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."