I was drinking at a bar last night, so I took a bus home.
That may not be a big deal to you; but I've never driven a bus before.

So after winning the game I decided to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV. Apparently, this is unacceptable in bowling.

I mix my Tide Pods with Red Bull so I get the benefit of clean energy.

No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap while breaking and entering.

Always remember, you are not worthless.
Organs go for a lot on the black market.

Bar waitress: "ANYONE KNOW CPR?!"...
Me: "Hell, I know the entire alphabet!"...
Then everyone laughed & laughed. Well, except that one guy.

Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon???

SPOILER ALERT: Rice cakes do not contain any actual cake.

You can pretty much text anything as long as you put a happy face emoticon afterwards. You're a slut :)

Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am. My attitude depends on who you are.

11.1–Day of the Dead
11.4–set your clocks back
11.6–take your country back

Nothing embarrasses psychics more than throwing them a surprise birthday party.

I hate people that say " He's a nice person once you get to know him." They might as well just say "He's an asshole, but you'll get used to it."

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