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fuck "jokes". everything i toot is real. raw insight without the horse shit. no, i will NOT follow trolls. Mastodon dot social. i live for this

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Can't believe Dutch is a real language. "ziie oot njit dit noot." Fuck does that mean, you Martian?

An orca's eyes are the white spots on the sides of its head. Thanks not reading replies to this.

I hate being a grizzled detective investigating the latest murder case that is eerily familiar to the MO of a recently executed serial killer and discovering it to be the work of a demon.

I credit my success as a skateboarder to two things: My faith in the lord and savior Jesus christ and the love of my wife gumbra

Gil-Scot Heron, 1969: I can't pay no doctor bill (but whitey on the moon)
Rich people, today: Yeah haha isn't it epic?? Wow!

Good afternoon. Wes Anderson was a decades long harvard research study. The study is now complete. Thank you

Congrats to the French people on bastille day. Or sorry that it happened. I don't know. I ain't reading all of that.

Lois stands with her fellow workers when they try to unionize, but accidentally sells out the wrong person as management's snitch. In the same episode, Reese declares that he cannot die because he is 17.

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Haha yeah your friends in the group chat def think you're funny. That's why they respond to all your jokes with a laughing reaction instead of riffing with you or typing out "lol"

To my bud's little tiny puppydog whom I watched hurl at the end of fireworks tonight: Same dude

*has barely watched original star wars* ah yes r2d2 and… cp-30? Represent Marx and engels. George Lucas proven the master yet again.

@EnlightenedFeralBoy i would simply do a roll, thus easily dodging the sky, if it were to fall

Npr anchor filling silence before asking a question after interview subject gives an answer: Mmm

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